Dear Anna: An Advice Column for Students, Lovers, Geniuses, and More (Part 2)
Dear Anna,
I need some etiquette help. I’ve been invited next weekend to a “Shredding Event” through a friend of mine. I do not know what this means and I’m too embarrassed to ask. I’ve tried googling it, but I’m not quite sure how to prepare. Do you have any etiquette tips?
Thanks,
CONFUSED
Dear CONFUSED,
I totally understand what you mean. In fact, I used to feel the exact same way about these events - confused, scared, nauseous, and not at all excited. But I assure you, once you attend your first one you’ll feel a lot better. And luckily for you, I’ve attended quite a few and can definitely help you out. There are some very important etiquette rules to follow if you hope to be invited back.
Firstly, follow the dress code explicitly. There is no room for error here. If the theme is RaceCar Extravaganza, do exactly that. If the dress code is Black Tie Yacht Politics Extreme, don’t even think about wearing blue, if you know what I mean (HaHaHa). Most shredding events will follow the Oxford English Dictionary Rules for Fashion, Dress Codes, and Chapstick - make sure you definitely have a copy on hand.
Some other important rules to follow actually contradict typical etiquette rules that you may know. For example, at a shredding event, don’t EVER wait for the host to start eating. A general rule of thumb is to be finished with your entire meal within two minutes of it being placed in front of you. Another good one to remember is that when the figs are served, don’t let anyone see the inside of yours. This custom is an important part of the shredding, as it is considered extremely rude to show someone the inside of your figs - figs are sooooooooo weird on the inside.
I hope these tips have been helpful and that you enjoy the event. Don’t stress too much about the smells, they’ll fade with time. The stains will last forever, but that’s just half the fun;).
Always here,
Anna
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Dear Anna,
I’m boooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeedddd. Help!
Love, BORED
Dear BORED,
No worries girlboss/boyboss! I have lots of ideas for things to do when you’re bored. First, update your chrome browser! This is a great use of time. Conversely, put on some pearls, wrap your hair up in a towel, and file your nails like a 1950’s housewife waiting for her cheating bitch of a husband to come home from a “work meeting” with his bitch-ass slut secretary who is 10 years younger than you.
Another fun thing to do if you’re bored with friends is strip poker. A fun game with a bit of naughty risk always gets rid of the boredom - if you know what I mean! (Sex stuff). However, if you find yourself bored and alone, don’t worry. Strip solitaire is just as fun and maybe even riskier! Because if someone walked in on you playing, it would look pretty weird. So the risk is definitely still there.
Something I do when I’m bored is just start thinking. What’s the coolest thing you can think of? How long can you think for? What does it feel like when you think? How do you know you’re thinking? Are you even reading this right now? Are you sure?
Anyway, I hope these ideas help you lots. Write back and let me know how it goes.
Always here,
Anna
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Dear Anna,
I know it’s December, but I really need some Halloween ideas. I have reason to believe my lack of costume this year lost me the love of my life. Maybe if I had dressed up, I could have met my soulmate. Please help me. I need something that makes me feel confident and clever, but not too crazy.
Yours,
MISSING MY SOULMATE
Dear MISSING MY SOULMATE,
Fortunately for you, Halloween costume ideas are one of my specialties. Have you seen Star Wars? If so, sexy General Grievous is a good way to go. He is a cool cyborg with a bunch of arms and lightsabers. He is known for his “hacking cough” (Star Wars). For this costume, I would wear black and gray clothes, something form-fitting and skimpy. Add on 4 hand-made or even store-bought arms with a few lightsabers, and you’ve got yourself an excellent costume. I’m even considering doing this one next year!
Another great idea, although somewhat overdone, is to dress as the flag of your least favorite country. Do you hate America? Show off those stars and stripes! Is Canada the physical incarnation of the devil in your eyes? Get that maple leaf on your body and slap on some red lipstick. This costume is a great conversation starter and can be as slutted up or slutted down as you like. Best of both worlds.
Another favorite of mine, especially for this upcoming year is sexy The Pope. We all know Pope Francis just has something enticing about him. This costume allows you to explore your cultural understanding and personal relationship with organized religion, as well as look fire. I’m sure His Holiness would be excited to know how popular I’m predicting this costume will be next year.
I hope these ideas have been helpful for you. I’m always happy to give more. Write back with what you choose.
Always here,
Anna
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Dear Anna,
I had the worst summer. And I’ll tell you why. There are 2 things at fault: those idiot kids who live on my street, and my horrid, deeply personal people pleasing tendencies.
I, for the life of me, cannot control myself when those idiot kids have a lemonade stand. I have to stop every single time and buy lemonade. And I don’t even like lemonade. They make it with that gross powder from Walmart or something and they barely mix it and the cookies they have aren’t even good. I don’t know what to do. I feel so bad driving past without stopping. They look at me with those huge eyes filled with tears, lips quivering. One steels themselves with a deep breath and braves a slight wave of their hand towards me. I can see the anxiety ripple across their faces as they wait for my response. How could I drive on without hating myself for the rest of eternity?
So I stop. Every single time. And their little grins say it all, those bastards. They drew me in with their puppy dogs eyes and once they roped me in tight enough, they knew they had secured their prey. There’s nothing I can do anymore. Before they even ask, I’ve pulled out my faded old leather wallet, its contents meager, and hand over whatever hard-earned cash I could muster up that day at work. Their grubby little hands snatch it up and shove a near empty red Solo cup into my car window in return. “Would like a cookie asth well?” one girl says with a lisp, an innocent smile and pigtails hiding the evil second grade mastermind that she is. They know they’ve already won, as I simply bow my head in deference to her power. One of her minions smooshes a cookie into a napkin and hands it to me. “Have a good day thSir,” the leader says smiling. As my eyes now fill with the tears, I slowly roll my window up and put my car back in drive. I have no money, no soul, and no heart. I’ve lost it all.
Please help,
LEMONADE HATER
Dear LEMONADE HATER,
For the first time in my career, I really don’t know what to say to that. You may need serious help.
Regrettably,
Anna
