How I Accidentally Stole Millions From a Children's Hospital - And I Regret Nothing

SCENE 1

EXT. DAY

Ariel and Michael have been dating for six months.  Today, they stand outside the large house of Ariel’s father, holding hands. Michael carries a bottle of whiskey and holds it up to her. 

MICHAEL

You’re sure he’s gonna like it? 

ARIEL

Yes! Stop stressing, you’re gonna be fine. 

MICHAEL

(Sighs and runs his hand through his hair) Okay. I just really want him to like me. 

ARIEL

He will, I promise. 

ARIEL knocks on the door. After a beat, it swings open.  ARIEL’s father is a rotund man with glasses and a thick beard. He is in a doctor's coat. 

DR. THUNDER GORDON 

(Yelling) Ariel, my princess! So happy to see you. 

He hugs her tightly before turning to MICHAEL.

MICHAEL

Mr. Gordon, I’m Michael, it’s so nice to finally meet you - 

DR. THUNDER GORDON

(Loudly) You nearsighted, Michael? 

MICHAEL

Um, no. No, I don’t think so. 

DR. THUNDER GORDON

Huh. I thought I saw you squint your eyes for a second. (He looks inquisitively at MICHAEL) Oh well. Come on in you two lovebirds. And please, no need to call me Mr. Gordon. (He smiles). Just “Doctor Thunder Gordon” will do fine. 

MICHAEL laughs. THUNDER GORDON is not joking. They enter and close the door.  

SCENE 2 

INT. EVENING

Moments later. The group enters the dining room where a table is laid with three place settings. There is a beeping sound coming from the kitchen. MICHAEL looks at ARIEL, attempting to catch her eye. She and THUNDER GORDON appear not to notice the beeping. 

THUNDER

(Yelling) SO! Ariel angel! How’s work? 

They all sit down at the table. 

ARIEL

Oh, it’s all still the same. I’m hoping to take some time off in July so Michael and I can go visit his parents in St. Paul. 

THUNDER

(Yelling) Oh! So Michael, you’re from Minnesota?! Land of a million lakes! Right?

MICHAEL

(Laughing goodnaturedly) Yeah! You know, I think it’s 10,000 but close enough! 

THUNDER does not laugh. 

THUNDER

(Very seriously, but still loudly) You know, Michael, I am imperfect. I make mistakes. It’s a simple mistake to not know exactly how many lakes are in a state I’ve never even been to. 

MICHAEL

Oh no, I didn’t mean that! I was just jokin-

ARIEL

Yeah, Daddy, he was just kidding.

THUNDER

(Holding up his hands) Okay! Okay! I just think Mike here should know that I make mistakes too. I’m just a regular guy, I’m not a superhero! 

ARIEL

He knows.

THUNDER

Alright alright alright. I’m gonna go check on the chicken. 

THUNDER exits. 

ARIEL

Sorry about that babe. He can get kind of sensitive sometimes. 

MICHAEL

No, I know, I shouldn’t’ve said anything. 

ARIEL

It’s fine. He won’t even remember when he gets back. 

MICHAEL

Also, what is that beeping sound? Can you hear that? It’s been going off forever!

ARIEL

What do you mean? 

THUNDER returns and sits down. 

ARIEL (cont’d)

How’s the chicken looking, Dad? 

THUNDER

(Yelling) Looking good, just needs one or two more hours I would say. 

ARIEL

Hours? 

THUNDER

Oh, who knows?

ARIEL

Oh. Okay. 

THUNDER

SO! (He claps his hands together like dads do) Michael! What do you do for work? 

MICHAEL

I work in software engineering. 

THUNDER

Oh! So you have carpal tunnel? 

MICHAEL

(Caught off guard) Uh, no, no I don’t. 

THUNDER

Early onset arthritis? 

MICHAEL

I don’t think so. 

THUNDER

Here, let me take a look. 

He quickly grabs MICHAEL’s hands and begins to inspect them. 

ARIEL

Dad! I really don’t think that’s necessary, Michael is fine, I promise!

THUNDER ignores her and pulls out a small flashlight to look more closely. 

ARIEL (cont’d)

Dad! 

THUNDER

(Yelling) Well, hold on, Ariel. What’s this mole here, Michael? 

MICHAEL

I, um, I think it’s just a mole? 

ARIEL

Dad, please stop. 

THUNDER

(Holding up his hands in surrender) Alright, alright! But Michael, if you ever need a prescription, for anything - anything - you call me. Okay? I can get you whatever you need. Over the counter, under the counter, behind the counter - you call me, okay?

MICHAEL

Thanks. 

THUNDER

Salves, ointments, pills, liquids, lotions, scrubs, anything. 

MICHAEL smiles politely.

ARIEL

So, Dad, you were asking Michael about his job. 

She turns to her father expectantly, hoping he’ll ask her boyfriend more. THUNDER looks at MICHAEL and says nothing. 

MICHAEL

Yeah, so, I’m a software engineer for a small tech company - 

THUNDER

(Yelling) Well that’s very fascinating Mitchell. 

MICHAEL

It’s actually Michael. 

ARIEL

You got it right a minute ago Daddy. 

THUNDER

Ah, yes, well Mike that sounds like a whole lot of fun for a full time job! 

MICHAEL

Yeah, you know it’s hard work but I really enjoy the challenge of it all-

THUNDER

Oh, well, do I know a thing or two about challenges! I’m a doctor you know. 

MICHAEL

Yes sir I do. Very impressive. 

THUNDER

(Yelling) Even more so since I lost my license. (He laughs) They do not make it easy to practice without a license! 

MICHAEL looks at ARIEL in alarm but she does not notice. 

MICHAEL

You lost your license? 

THUNDER

(Patronizingly) Yes Michael. It happens more often than you think. It’s really not a big deal. 

MICHAEL

What happened? 

THUNDER

It was all a big misunderstanding, really. 

ARIEL

He actually wrote an article about it in The Atlantic a few years ago. Do you still have it somewhere Daddy? 

THUNDER

(Getting up) You know, I think I do! I’ll grab it from the office. 

THUNDER exits and MICHAEL whispers to ARIEL. 

MICHAEL

Your dad lost his license? 

ARIEL

(Nonchalantly) Yeah, it happened a few years ago. It’s really not that big of a deal, he’s still really, like, in the industry, everyone knows him. 

MICHAEL

So he’s still practicing? 

ARIEL

Michael, he’s a really good doctor. I kind of feel like you’re freaking out about this. Just - 

THUNDER returns with a magazine in hand. 

THUNDER

Found it!

THUNDER hands the magazine to MICHAEL. He looks at it. The cover is a picture of THUNDER posing in his doctor’s coat with a stack of money in one hand. He is shrugging and smiling at the camera good-naturedly. The title reads, “How I Accidentally Stole Millions From a Children's Hospital - And I Regret NOTHING; An Op-Ed by Dr. Thunder Gordon.”

MICHAEL

Wow. I don’t even know what to say. 

THUNDER

Yeah, it’s a pretty handsome picture, huh? Ariel’s mom loved it. 

MICHAEL does not know what to say. 

MICHAEL

Does anyone else hear that beeping? 

THUNDER

(Yelling) Beeping? 

MICHAEL

(Looking to ARIEL for help) Yeah, I think it’s coming from the kitchen. 

THUNDER

I don’t hear anything. Do you, Ariel? 

ARIEL

I’m not sure. I’ll go check it out. 

She backs out of the room, flashing an encouraging smile to MICHAEL as she leaves him alone with her father for the first time. The men sit in silence for a moment. Suddenly the beeping increases in pace. 

MICHAEL

Oh, there it is! It just got faster, can you hear it? 

THUNDER

(Yelling) Can I hear what? 

MICHAEL

That beeping sound! 

THUNDER

(Yelling) You know, Michael, maybe you have some sort of ear condition. 

Suddenly, THUNDER jumps up and pulls a tool out of his pocket. He quickly grabs a hold of MICHAEL’s head and peers into his ear with the tool. MICHAEL is shocked into silence. 

THUNDER (cont’d)

Hm… You know, I could really prescribe you methylergometrine or something for this. 

MICHAEL

(Trying to scoot away from THUNDER) I think I’ll be okay… 

ARIEL

(Entering) I couldn’t find anything. (She notices them) Is everything okay? 

THUNDER

(Standing up straight) I believe your boyfriend may be suffering from a severe ear infection. 

MICHAEL

I really don’t think - 

ARIEL

Oh no! Michael, are you not feeling well?

MICHAEL

I’m really fine - 

ARIEL moves over to feel his forehead. She gasps. 

ARIEL

Baby! You’re burning up!

MICHAEL

I am? (He feels his own forehead) No I’m no- 

As he speaks, THUNDER shoves a thermometer in his mouth and grabs the bottom of his chin to close his mouth around it. 

THUNDER

(Yelling) Ariel, I’m very worried about your boyfriend. 

MICHAEL

(Muffled through his closed mouth and trying to speak around the thermometer) I’m fine!

THUNDER

This is not looking good. 

ARIEL

What do you think it is, Daddy? 

THUNDER

Definitely something serious. But we may have to operate before we can determine for sure. 

MICHAEL spits the thermometer out of his mouth. 

MICHAEL

What?! 

THUNDER

(Yelling) Michael, please calm down. You’ll only make it worse.

MICHAEL

What are you talking about?

THUNDER

We’re definitely going to have to operate. 

MICHAEL stands. They move cautiously around him like he is a psychiatric patient.

MICHAEL

Ariel, please, help me out here. What is going on?

ARIEL

Michael, please just calm down. 

MICHAEL

What?! I promise I feel fine. 

THUNDER

(Holding his hands up innocently and slowly walking towards MICHAEL) It’s all going to be okay, Mike. Let’s just all calm down.  I’m gonna take care of you. Ariel, why don’t you help Michael sit down.

MICHAEL

I think I should go. 

He tries to walk towards the door and THUNDER stops him. 

THUNDER

(Yelling) Michael. Please.

MICHAEL

(Weakly) What?

ARIEL

Michael, you’re acting crazy. Please don’t resist. My dad is gonna help you out. 

MICHAEL

I’m not trying to be crazy. 

ARIEL

I know, baby. Just sit back down. 

MICHAEL reluctantly sits back down. He is confused.  THUNDER pulls out a basket full of prescription bottles, scalpels, stethoscopes, and a microscope.

THUNDER

Just relax, Michael. This won’t hurt a bit. 

THE END.