A Tea Party; Reimagined
EXT. DAY
In front of a colorful looking cottage, a large table is set with many place settings - Last Supper style. Each chair is different - a few simple folding chairs, some imposing armchairs, one stool, etc. M.H. sits perched on a stool - she is around 20, wearing a colorful printed dress with jeans underneath. 2 pigtails in her hair. HATTIE sits right beside her. She is also around 20.
Between them is a young girl - she could be their same age and simply look young, or perhaps she is actually like 13. No one knows. They call her DORA. DORA is fast asleep, and the other two are using her as a cushion, resting their elbows on her, and talking over her head.
Alice enters. She is 18, blonde, and simple.
The table is a large one, but the three are all crowded together at one corner of it. As Alice approaches, they notice her and jump up.
MH and HATTIE (in unison)
No room! No room!
ALICE
There’s plenty of room!
Alice is offended and plops down in a large cushioned armchair. MH and HATTIE give up instantly and sit back down, smiling.
MH
You’re Alice, right? We’ve heard all about you. Have some wine!
ALICE
(Looking around the table) I don’t see any wine.
MH
(As politely as possible) There isn’t any.
ALICE
Then it wasn’t very civil of you to offer it.
MH smiles politely and makes subtle eye contact with HATTIE. They think ALICE is a bit slow.
MH
I’m just being polite.
ALICE
I think it’s a bit rude.
MH
It’s a bit rude of you to sit down without being invited. (She mutters) Strike one.
ALICE
Well, I didn’t know it was just your table. It’s laid for a great many more than three peop-
HATTIE
Your hair wants cutting, doesn’t it?
HATTIE has been staring at ALICE with curiosity since she sat down.
ALICE
(Shocked) You should learn not to make personal remarks. It’s very rude.
HATTIE smiles a blank smile.
HATTIE
May I ask, why is a raven like a writing-desk?
ALICE
I believe I can guess that one.
MH
Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?
ALICE
Yes--
MH
Then you should say what you mean, don’t you think? (She looks at HATTIE) That’s very important to us here.
ALICE
(Hastily) Oh, I do. At least—at least I mean what I say—that’s the same thing.
HATTIE
Not the same thing a bit! You might just as well say that ‘I see what I eat’ is the same thing as ‘I eat what I see’!
MH
You might just as well say that ‘I like what I get’ is the same thing as ‘I get what I like’!
DORA
(Seemingly talking in her sleep, draped across the table) You might just as well say that ‘I breathe when I sleep’ is the same thing as ‘I sleep when I breathe’
HATTIE
(To DORA) It is the same thing with you.
MH let out a quick yelp of laughter before the conversation dropped and the party sat silent for a moment.
HATTIE (Cont’d)
(To ALICE) What day of the month is it?
She takes her watch out of their pocket, and looks at it uneasily, shaking it every now and then, and holding it to her ear. It is a very nice watch. ALICE wonders if this is an important question too.
ALICE
(After thinking for a moment) The fourth.
HATTIE
This watch is two days wrong! I told you butter wouldn’t suit it at all!
HATTIE glares at MH.
MH
(Meekly) It was the best butter.
HATTIE
You’re right. I’m sorry. (HATTIE and MH hug). Some crumbs must have gotten in as well.
MH
(Under her breath) Maybe because you used the bread knife.
HATTIE hears this and suddenly they engage in a brawl - fisticuffs if you will. They wrestle across the table with HATTIE jumping after MH. DORA is unaffected and simply rolls the other way and continues sleeping.
ALICE
Oh, stop that!
HATTIE
If you think you can fix it better than me, then do it!
MH
Fine! Give it to me!
MH grabs the watch from HATTIE who attempts to hold onto it. After a back and forth the watch goes flying and lands in ALICE’s lap. MH and HATTIE stop fighting and turn to look at her.
HATTIE
Can you give that back please?
ALICE
I - yes. Just stop fighting please.
HATTIE grabs the watch from ALICE and sits back down angrily. MH does the same.
MH
It really was the best butter. Bust better.
HATTIE
But bester.
ALICE
(Trying to join in) Bet buster.
They ignore her.
HATTIE
Dora is asleep again.
HATTIE takes a small scoop of butter and begins massaging it into DORA’s hair gently. MH passes her the jam.
MH
Jam.
HATTIE nods and takes it, solemnly.
MH (cont’d)
Tea?
HATTIE
Just a touch.
She pours a small splash from a cup of tea onto DORA’s head. DORA wakes up suddenly.
MH
You’ve been sleeping again.
DORA
Oh no, no, I was just thinking. I was going to remark that exact thing myself, I couldn't agree more…
She drifts off again as she is talking.
HATTIE
(Turning back to ALICE) Have you guessed the riddle yet?
ALICE
I think I’ve got something. You asked how a raven is similar to a writing desk -
HATTIE
No.
ALICE
What?
HATTIE
Wrong.
ALICE
What? What did you say? A crow? (She thinks for a moment) I’m going to have to rethink my answer.
HATTIE
No. I asked: Why is a raven like a writing-desk?
ALICE
Oh.
MH
Strike 2.
ALICE
Well, I suppose my answer still applies.
HATTIE
Go on then.
ALICE
(Proudly and confidently) Well, as you know, the Raven’s are a Baltimore based football team -
MH
Football?
ALICE
Yes.
MH
American football?
ALICE
Yes!
MH
(Sighing) You should really start saying what you mean. Football could mean many things. Why, Hattie here only recently learned it’s an oval shaped ball, not a foot shaped ball.
HATTIE
Or a ball shaped foot!
MH
Or! A fall shaped boot.
ALICE
Oh, well, sorry. Shall I go on?
MH
Please.
ALICE
Okay, well the Ravens are a Baltimore based American football team owned by Steve Bisciotti. Well, Steve obviously went to Severna Park High School - only for his last two years of course. And you know who else went there? Ronald Malfi, the horror novelist!
HATTIE
One of my favorites.
MH
Really? I’ve never heard of him.
HATTIE
Oh yes, they call fans Malfisians.
MH
Oh.
HATTIE
I came up with it.
MH
Ah. (Confused) Go on Alice.
ALICE
Well, yes, anyway, Ronald Malfi is an author. He’s been honored with the Bram Stoker award, which is huge for writers in the horror genre. The Bram Stoker award is obviously named after Bram Stoker… (smiling) I think you see where I’m going with this.
MH
I’m not sure we do -
HATTIE
(Grinning and nodding) Oh, I do.
ALICE
(Excitedly) Okay, well Bram Stoker was an Irish writer. What’s the most famous college in Ireland?
MH
St. Andrews?
ALICE
No, that’s in Scotland.
MH
University of Glasgow?
ALICE
No, that’s in Glasgow. Scotland also.
MH
Ah. Yes.
ALICE
Trinity College! In Dublin! Known for its… library! (HATTIE nods proudly) And what do libraries have? Writing desks! (She sits back). Was I right?
No one says anything.
HATTIE
(After a beat) About what?
ALICE
Did I get the riddle right?
HATTIE
I haven’t the slightest idea.
MH
Nor I.
ALICE
What?
HATTIE
I was just asking you a question. Why would I ask a question if I already knew the answer?
ALICE
I- I thought it was a riddle. I put a lot of work into figuring it out.
HATTIE
Well perhaps you’ve solved it then.
Alice sighs wearily.
ALICE
I think you might do something better with the time than waste it by asking riddles that have no answers.
HATTIE
If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn’t talk about wasting him.
ALICE
I don’t know what you mean.
HATTIE
Of course you don’t! I dare say you never even spoke to Time!
ALICE
(Cautiously) Perhaps not, but I do know I have to beat time when I learn music.
HATTIE
(Quickly) Ah! That accounts for it. He won’t stand beating. Now, if you only kept on good terms with him, he’d do almost anything you liked with the clock. For instance, suppose it were nine o’clock in the morning, just time to begin class: you’d only have to whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling! Half-past one, time for lunch!
MH
(To herself, bored) I only wish it was lunchtime now.
ALICE
That would be grand, certainly. But I’m not sure I would be hungry if we’d skipped the whole day.
HATTIE
Not at first, perhaps, but you’d get used to it. Lunch for breakfast and dinner for brunch, hm?
ALICE
I guess. Is that what you do?
HATTIE
(Offended) Me? No. (She scoffs) I enjoy my classes. Besides, Time doesn’t listen to me anymore anyways. We got into a big fight. I don’t want to talk about it.
ALICE
Oh, that’s okay, you don’t have to.
HATTIE
Fine, I will. I was… (They take a deep breath) I was on a date with a man.
MH gags. DORA wakes up to fake dry heave. Men disgust them. DORA returns to her slumber.
HATTIE (cont’d)
I know, I know. Anyways, I was trying to tell him a simple story. About my childhood.
MH
To be fair, you know, it’s not quite a simple story.
HATTIE
No, you’re right. It’s more like a poem.
MH
A limerick.
HATTIE
A sonnet, I would argue.
MH
Perhaps an acrostic.
HATTIE
(Pointing at MH) Exactly. Would you like to hear it, Alice?
ALICE
Well, I imagine if it’s an acrostic poem, it would make more sense to look at it, right? So I can see what the lines spell out?
HATTIE
(They gasp) You sound just like the man!
MH clucks her tongue in disappointment.
ALICE
Well, all I meant was -
HATTIE
He told me I was strange for telling him my life poem. Me! Can you believe that? And he said he was just killing time with me but that I was too weird to be with him.
MH
(Suddenly intensely angry) I’ll kill him. I’ll rip his throat out and shove it dow-
HATTIE
(Ignoring MH) And of course, Time was so upset that I didn’t say anything when my date threatened to murder him so we got in a big fight -
MH
He thinks you’re weird I’ll kill that boring piece of sh-
HATTIE
-- about friendship and how relationships get in the way and now Time never does anything I ask. It’s always six o’clock now.
ALICE
Is that the reason for all the tea settings here?
HATTIE
Exactly. It’s always tea-time, and we’ve no time to wash the cups in between. It’s exhausting.
ALICE
Then you keep moving around the table I guess?
HATTIE
Exactly. It’s a frankly ingenious idea, if I do say so myself.
MH
You didn’t even come up with it.
ALICE
But what happens when you get to the beginning cups again?
MH
(Interrupting) I’m bored. Suppose we change the subject. I vote Alice tells us a story.
ALICE
I’m afraid I don’t have any good ones.
MH
Dora? Wake up, Dora!
DORA
(Slowly sitting up and rubbing her eyes) I wasn’t asleep. I heard every word you were saying.
MH
Tell us a story then!
HATTIE
(Concerned) And be quick about it, or you’ll be asleep again before it’s done.
DORA
Good point. (She stands up on the table and paces back and forth slowly as she speaks) Once upon a time there were three little sisters, and their names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie - or, wait, was it Lilly? Billy? I get those -illie names so confused. Such silly names…
HATTIE
Hurry!
DORA
Ah yes, well there were three sisters and they lived at the bottom of a well—
ALICE
What did they live on?
DORA
(She pauses to think) They lived on sugar.
ALICE
They couldn’t have done that, you know. They’d have been ill.
DORA
(Solemnly) And so they were. Very ill.
ALICE was growing frustrated at the illogical nature of the story. She preferred nonfiction.
ALICE
Okay, but why did they live at the bottom of a well?
MH
Why don’t you take some more tea, Alice dear?
ALICE
Well, I haven’t had any yet, so I can’t very well take more.
HATTIE
You mean you can’t take less. It’s very easy to take more than nothing.
ALICE
Nobody asked for your opinion.
HATTIE
Who’s making personal remarks now?
There is an awkward silence.
ALICE
I’d just like to know why they lived at the bottom of a well.
DORA
(After thinking for a moment) It was a sugar well.
ALICE
There’s no such thing!
HATTIE and MH shushed her.
DORA
If you can’t be civil, you’d better finish the story for yourself.
ALICE
No, please go on! I’m sorry. I just get frustrated when I’m confused. I didn’t mean to interrupt.
DORA
Well, these three little sisters—they were learning to draw, of course -
ALICE
What did they draw?
DORA
Sugar mostly. And worms.
HATTIE
(Loudly) I want a clean cup. It’s time to scooch.
As HATTIE spoke, DORA and MH followed, each moving one seat to the right: DORA into HATTIE’s old seat, MH into DORA’s and ALICE into MH’s. ALICE was not content with this switch, but decided to focus on the more pressing issue at hand.
ALICE
Well, I don’t understand. What did they draw with if they were in a well?
HATTIE
You can draw water out of a water-well, so I should think you could draw sugar out of a sugar-well—hm?
ALICE
But I thought you meant they were learning to draw, like with a pen, but they were in a well-
DORA
Of course they were, —well in the well indeed.
ALICE was confused. DORA did not notice. She decided to take a brief rest and lay down as she finished the story. She yawned.
DORA
They were learning to draw, and they drew all manner of things— mostly everything that begins with an M—”
ALICE
Why with an M?
MH
Why not? Stop interrupting.
Alice was silent. DORA had closed her eyes by this time, and was going off into a doze; but, upon being pinched by HATTIE, she woke up again with a little shriek, and continued.
DORA
—that begins with an M, such as mouse-traps, and the moon, and memory, and muchness—you know you say things are “much of a muchness”—did you ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness?
ALICE
Really, now, I don’t think—
MH
(Shrieking in frustration) Well, you shouldn’t speak if you don’t think!
ALICE is greatly offended.
ALICE
You know, I’ve just about had it! I apologize for interrupting but I think I deserve the right to ask clarifying questions when I want to! I hate to say it, but I don’t think this is the sorority for me. I appreciate the interview, sisters, but it’s time for me to go.
With that, ALICE stood and walked away from the table and out the gate of the garden. There is a momentary pause.
DORA
Where was I? Oh yes. Muchness, munchies, moons, madness, Minnesota, marching, march hares, mad hatters, more than not, more than less, Moms, Mikes, Mitchells, monkeys -
DORA opens her mouth and begins to yawn. HATTIE quickly inserts her watch into DORA’s open mouth. She chews and swallows it.
DORA (cont’d)
Thank you, dear. (HATTIE smiles) Anyway, movies, money, maelstroms, magnitude…
FADE OUT
THE END
