The Dating App Experience in NYC
Dating in New York is notoriously difficult, and with the rise of dating apps, this experience has only become more difficult. With millions of people in the city, you would hope to find a great match – and some have – but it appears that more often than not, that’s not the case. Dating app culture in New York has become an interesting phenomenon within itself, and it seems that there is a collective struggle with finding success through these apps.
When I first started college over two years ago, after I had freshly turned 18, I downloaded Tinder and set up my profile. At first, it was a fun, new experience, and my friends and I would send each other pictures of people we matched with asking for opinions – also sending the profiles of people we knew in our dorm. It was a great ego-boost, until a few bad matches. There was one guy in particular who I started talking to, but realized I wasn’t as interested in him and ultimately cut off communication. He very angrily sent me a video, complaining about it and telling me I was a 7 at best (which, if you ask me, isn’t bad at all – if you’re gonna diss me at least tell me I’m below average or something). Luckily, I didn’t get any other angry videos, but still unfortunately encountered some interesting pictures and people.
This past year, after deleting and re-downloading these apps numerous times over the last couple of years, I decided to actually be consistent with my profile and keep it up. Again, all was fine and calm at first. I blame myself for trying Tinder out again first, as things quickly became strange again. Naturally, there were plenty of people whose only intention was to do *that* being that it was Tinder after all, and people have desensitized the intent of dating apps. However, what I didn’t expect was the comments I received relating to being a dog walker. I put that information in my profile thinking it’d be a cute bit of information, but I almost instantly regretted it. I got plenty of messages being weird references and insinuations to leashes and (being) walked – I’ll let you imagine what they were. One guy in particular used a quite expensive feature that allows you to super like someone and leave them a comment before they swipe either way, just to send me one of the leash related messages. Needless to say, I deleted Tinder and switched to Bumble and Hinge, and have not gotten another similar message since (*fingers crossed*).
I have never met the people I’ve matched with on any apps in-person, especially after hearing some internet horror stories, and dealing with my own. This includes the infamous “West Elm Caleb,” who has matched with a bunch of people, gone on dates with them, and love-bombed them, only to end up ghosting all of them. Most of my friends don’t use dating apps, but I heard from one that he unknowingly was being watched on a date by the date’s friends – who got drunk and exposed themselves. After going home, disappointed with the experience, he went back on, scrolled, and matched with one of the friends, not realizing who she was. She asked him the typical “what’s up”/“how’s your night been,” and when he gave a “it’s been alright” response, she said “I know you were with [date’s name].” After that, he put off the apps for a bit.
Since I’ve never gone on a date, I’ve noticed my intent or want to has diminished, and thus the way I treat dating apps has changed – they have very much become an equivalent of Instagram to me. Dating apps are treated like social media, not only in how we can scroll through profiles when we’re bored, but also how we curate our own profiles. Even more than Instagram, we reveal particular aspects of our life, including our age, height, which neighborhood we live in, our sexualities, drinking or smoking habits, etc., that might otherwise be absent from our social media profiles. Similar to Instagram, though, we can aimlessly, even numbingly, scroll for hours and pick the perfect pictures that cultivate an ideal image or certain aesthetic of ourselves for strangers to see.
Dating apps are also becoming a very normalized part of our lives, especially in the dating scene. As you realize there are hundreds of people you pass everyday that you may never see again, and through the virtual nature of the last couple of years, it makes sense to use dating apps more. But with New York beginning to create physical, material, places like the Bumble Brew, the significance dating apps hold is only growing. I’ve noticed discussions on these apps to become increasingly more common than when I first started using them. Not too long ago, I was out to dinner when a group of three girls sat next to my table. As they sat there for over an hour, the only thing they talked about were the guys they met on dating apps, and how their experiences were with them.
I’m not sure if I’ll ever actually go on a date with someone I match with, especially as I treat dating apps with little to no seriousness. Hopefully the dating app experience in New York betters itself in the near future, but if you’ve had a similar experience as me, know you’re not alone.
