The Silver Lamp and The Spoonful

AMANDA and CHRIS have been unhappily married for 6 years.  CHRIS has recently been fired from his day job. They live together in a small house in a small suburb in a small county.  For entertainment, AMANDA goes to a knitting club with her sister.  CHRIS thinks he and his friends are very funny and has finally decided to start a comedy group with 2 of them.  

SCENE 1

INT. LIVING ROOM

CHRIS sits in the living room watching the commercials on TV.  AMANDA enters polishing a very small silver lamp.  She watches TV over his shoulder. 

CHRIS

Do you have to stand right behind me while you do that? That polish smells disgusting. 

AMANDA

This was a wedding present from my grandmother. 

CHRIS

Well, do you have to polish it right now? I’m trying to watch my show. 

AMANDA

What show? 

CHRIS

(Exasperated) I don’t know, Amanda! Whatever’s on. 

AMANDA

Fine.  I want to watch too. 

CHRIS rolls his eyes but gives up, letting AMANDA sit down and continue to polish her lamp.

AMANDA (cont’d)

(After a beat) This lamp is very special, Chris.  

CHRIS

(Sarcastically) I’m sure it is. 

AMANDA

Seriously, my grandma always insisted it was magic.  

CHRIS

She was crazy. 

AMANDA

She used to tell me that if I believed in it enough, a genie would grant me any wish I desired. 

CHRIS

And you believe that bullshit? 

AMANDA

I believe that it would be nice. 

CHRIS

You’ll believe anything.  

They both go silent as the show returns.  It is The Wendy Williams show and she is doing a segment on psychics.  

AMANDA

Are you still having your friends over later to hang out?

CHRIS

Yeah. And we’re not “hanging out”, it’s a men’s comedy group. I’m 45 years old, not 15. 

AMANDA

Well, don’t forget we have dinner with my sister at 7. She wants to go to that new Italian place on 4th Street, I think it’s called the Neighborhood Eatery or something. 

CHRIS

What the hell is an eatery? 

AMANDA

It’s just a restaurant, Chris. 

CHRIS

Well why don’t they just call it the neighborhood restaurant then? Why do they have to pretend like we live in goddamn Paris? It’s Jersey for Christ’s sake. 

CHRIS likes to imagine that he hosts his own talk show and the audience laughs heartily when he makes fun of his wife.

AMANDA

(sighing) Why does it matter? 

CHRIS

I’m just wondering how the hell I’m supposed to tell my men’s group that I’ve got dinner with my wife at (he does a bad British accent) The Neighborhood Eatery.  I sound like Mary goddamn Poppins. 

AMANDA

Chris- 

CHRIS

No, Amanda, I mean, c’mon, you want me to get my nails done and carry an umbrella for the rest of the day? (AMANDA closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, still polishing her lamp). You know what? I wish I was Mary Poppins and I could fly away before dinner tonight on my goddamn umbrella. I’ll believe in your genie if it could make that happen. (CHRIS laughs at the thought of this).

AMANDA

You have to actually believe it for it to work, you can’t just say it.  

CHRIS

(Sarcastically) Fine! I believe! I believe in your magic lamp, and your grandmother, and your genie and I wish I was Mary Poppins!

Suddenly there is a loud boom and the power cuts out at their house.  Smoke begins to dribble out of the lamp, slowly pooling on the floor. They are speechless.  After a moment, the TV and lights turn back on as if nothing happened. 

CHRIS (cont’d)

What the hell was that? 

AMANDA

I think it was the genie. 

CHRIS

Amanda, be serious.  It must have been the fuse box or something… 

He trails off as he gets up to check the fuse box.  AMANDA sits silently on the couch, staring at the lamp in awe.  

SCENE 2

INT. CHRIS AND AMANDA’S BASEMENT

CHRIS, STEVE, and DAVID sit in the dimly lit basement around a card table. They are all in various versions of the same outfit - baggy jeans, old t-shirts, and dirty boots. 

CHRIS

Okay, boys, I’m so glad we’re finally getting around to doing this. 

STEVE

Oh, Chris, you wouldn’t believe how happy I am. I could piss myself!

There is an awkward silence. 

CHRIS

Well, let’s not do that. 

STEVE

I’m jokin! C’mon guys, you know I’m joking this time. 

DAVID

It’s just, after last time it’s kind of hard to trust you. 

STEVE

That was a one-time thing! You know I have to stay hydrated when I’m eating red meat.

DAVID

Can we just move on? 

CHRIS

Yes, thank you, David, that’s super! (He clears his throat). Sorry, I mean that’s supercal- What the hell (He coughs and clears his throat). I’m trying to say that’s a good point. I think we should move on.  

DAVID

Yeah.  So, our first show is coming up and we have to start writing some jokes.

STEVE

I was thinking of telling that pee story.

CHRIS

I’m not sure that will really translate well to the stage. 

DAVID

Yeah, plus we’d have to get that fake pee from Amazon. 

STEVE

Or I could just- 

CHRIS

Absolutely not. 

STEVE

No, I was just gonna say I could easily just - 

CHRIS

No, Steve. 

STEVE

I could just pee in a cup. 

CHRIS sighs and puts his head in his hands. 

SCENE 3

INT. CHRIS AND AMANDA’S FOYER

It is later in the night. AMANDA stands at the base of the stairs waiting, holding the silver lamp and an umbrella.  She slips the lamp into her purse and checks her watch.

AMANDA

(Yelling upstairs) Chris, are you almost ready? We have to go!

CHRIS clumps down the stairs.  

CHRIS

I can’t find the umbrella. (AMANDA holds it up). Oh.  I’ll hold it.  

AMANDA

No, I’ll do it, I don’t want my hair to get wet.

CHRIS

Just let me hold it, I can hold it over both of us.

AMANDA

No, every time you do that the back of my hair gets wet.  Just let me hold it this time.

CHRIS

Amanda, don’t be ridiculous, just give it to me.

He goes to grab it out of her hands but she holds on tight.  They struggle for a moment.

AMANDA

Chris! Just let me hold it!

CHRIS

Give me it!

After a minute of struggle, he pulls it out of her hands sharply.  Suddenly there is another loud boom and the power cuts out at their house.  Smoke begins to dribble out of Amanda’s purse, slowly pooling on the floor.  Slowly, the umbrella begins to pull CHRIS up into the air.

CHRIS (cont’d)

(In a British accent) What’s happening?  (He coughs and tries to clear his throat). Why do I - (He coughs again) Why do I sound like that? 

AMANDA

Oh my god, Chris, it’s the genie! I know it is!

CHRIS

(Still in a British accent and continually trying to clear his throat) Amanda! I don’t give a damn about your genie! What’s happening to me? 

AMANDA

You believed! You believed you could become Mary Poppins and you did! 

CHRIS

(His voice is now high and very lady-like) Amanda, darling. (He continues to clear his throat). Amanda, help me get down! 

AMANDA stares at him in awe. 

CHRIS (cont’d)

Why are you looking at me like that?

As he speaks, his clothes slowly begin transforming. What was once baggy old jeans and a sports coat has become an elegant Edwardian gown, fitted perfectly to CHRIS’s frame. 

AMANDA

Chris! (She pauses) you’re beautiful! 

CHRIS

I - (He slowly rotates in the air, still clutching the umbrella.  He can now see himself in the hallway mirror). I am. 

SCENE 4

INT. CHRIS AND AMANDA’S BASEMENT

CHRIS and AMANDA have been happily married for 5 years since that fateful night. What was once a dark old basement with a card table and three folding chairs is now a beautiful playroom.  AMANDA sits in a rocking chair nursing a baby, while a toddler plays in the corner.  It is early in the morning. 

AMANDA

(To her nursing baby) Rock-a-bye baby, in the tree top. When the wind blows, the cradle will rock. When the bough breaks - 

Suddenly, AMANDA stops and smiles expectantly as the sound of kitten heels can be heard coming down the stairs.  It is CHRIS, still dressed as Mary Poppins.  

CHRIS

(Still British and womanly) Amanda, darling, give me the little angel. (He picks up the baby and cradles it to his chest). Now you head off to work sweet thing. I’ll take care of the loved ones. 

AMANDA smiles lovingly and heads out, kissing CHRIS on her way out. 

Lights fade and CHRIS hums “Spoonful of Sugar.”

THE END.