You Fat Bastard

Sitting in the best booth in the nicest restaurant in town is WILLIAM KENNEDY, a handsome young entrepreneur in an expensive tuxedo. Across from him is his girlfriend, ALEXANDRIA CASWELL, in a long black dress and heels. They are very in love. Almost obnoxiously in love. Their booth looks out over the harbor and city lights flicker across the water. Soft Italian music drifts through the speakers overhead and the sound of water lightly tapping the dock floats inside.

ALEXANDRIA 

Oh, my love. This restaurant couldn’t be more perfect. 

WILLIAM 

You couldn’t be more perfect, Alexandria. You look amazing tonight. Happy anniversary. 

ALEXANDRIA 

I can’t believe it’s already been three years, my dear. It feels like just yesterday that we met. (She reaches across the table to lovingly stroke his cheek, smiling). That was one of the best nights of my life. I can’t believe how lucky I was to meet you then. It was like a fairytale. A crazy, beautiful, modern-day fairytale. 

WILLIAM 

It’s our fairytale, sweetheart. Every second that I get to be in love with you is like a fairytale. 

Ew. They smile at each other lovingly and WILLIAM kisses her hand. In the booth next to them, the waiter has just seated FRANCESCO ROSSI, a large, balding, Italian man. He sits alone. 

FRANCESCO 

Waiter! I’m gonna need a martini. And some bread. Let’s get movin’ buddy. 

The waiter nods and exits. In the other booth, ALEXANDRIA and WILLIAM are still smiling at each other. 

WILLIAM 

What do you think you’ll have tonight, muffin? Anything else to drink? Something sweet for my sweetie? 

ALEXANDRIA 

Oh, maybe I’ll have a few more cocktails. Everything on the menu looks so delicious, I can’t decide. Maybe I’ll have the ravioli. What are you thinking? (WILLIAM stares at her, saying nothing). William? 

WILLIAM 

Oh, I’m sorry. I just got lost in your eyes.

Instead of being disgusted by this horribly cheesy line, ALEXANDRIA is flattered. She blushes and smiles, looking down at the table. Suddenly, at the booth next to them, FRANCESCO’s phone begins to ring loudly. They are all startled. 

FRANCESCO 

Jesus! Are you kiddin’ me? Where the hell is my phone? (He aggressively pats all his pockets numerous times as his phone continues to ring loudly. He finally finds it in his coat pocket). Hello? Yeah, it’s Francesco Rossi. Who’s this? Oh, Guiseppe! (He laughs heartily) Who the hell gave you this number, you fat bastard? (He continues to laugh, listening to his phone). Traffic? Okay, we’ll talk while I wait, you fat bastard! 

He puts his feet up on the table and leans back while WILLIAM attempts to continue talking. 

WILLIAM 

Well, anyway, sweetheart, you were saying you wanted the ravioli? It’s amazing here. You’ll love it. And maybe a salad on the side? Don’t forget, we want to make sure we’re both staying trim for our trip! 

ALEXANDRIA 

Oh, that is such a good point! 

WILLIAM 

But, of course, you’ll look beautiful no matter what. You are so beaut-

FRANCESCO 

(Loudly) Oh, Guiseppe, you really are a fat bastard! (He laughs loudly). Now, it’s like I’ve always said, we’ve got a family business! Now, I know, I know, I - What? Oh! I’m kidding! Okay, go ahead big guy. 

WILLIAM 

Sorry, um. You’re the most stunning wo- 

FRANCESCO loudly laughs. 

WILLIAM (cont’d). 

What I’m trying to say is that you’re beautiful. 

ALEXANDRIA 

Oh, William. I love you. You always know just what to say to make me feel special. (She grabs his hand across the table). Thank you for making these past three years so amazing.

WILLIAM 

Of course, my love. You deserve the world. Now, where’s that waiter? I’m starving! 

ALEXANDRIA 

I think he just walked back into the kit-

FRANCESCO 

Are you kiddin’ me? Guiseppe, you know I love you like a son - hell, I love you more than my own bastard son! But, my business is my business. C’mon, you know what it’s like! 

WILLIAM 

Into what? 

ALEXANDRIA 

I think he went back- 

FRANCESCO 

Excuse me? That’s my wife you’re talking about, Guiseppe! 

WILLIAM 

What? 

The waiter returns from the kitchen and approaches their table. 

ALEXANDRIA 

Nevermind. 

WILLIAM 

Yes, hi. I’d like the linguine and my incredibly beautiful girlfriend here will have the ravioli and a house salad. Isn’t she just beautiful? 

The waiter smiles uncomfortably at their aggressive display of love and nods before moving on to FRANCESCO’s table to take his order. 

ALEXANDRIA 

You know, William, you don’t have to order for me- 

FRANCESCO

Hold on Guiseppe, another fat bastard is here to listen to me! I’m just kidding. (To the waiter) Listen bud, I’m gonna be needing some spaghetti as soon as possible. And where the hell is my goddamn complimentary bread basket? I’m just kidding. But not really! (On the phone) Anyway, Guiseppe, what else do you need? 

ALEXANDRIA 

Sorry. I was saying you don’t have to order for me. 

WILLIAM 

Oh, my sweet beautiful darling! I’m so sorry I should not have done that. You are an independent woman! I won’t - 

They speak simultaneously. 

FRANCESCO 

What do you mean you can’t kill a woman for me? Guiseppe, that’s what you’re here for! I’m just kidding. I’m kidding! Not really. But a little! C’mon though, you know I can’t hire your friends Guiseppe. Not even the sexy ones! I’m just kidding. 

WILLIAM 

(Speaking louder) I won’t do it again! 

ALEXANDRIA 

(Speaking loudly as well) Thank you! It’s really not a big deal. But I am so grateful that I have such an amazing boyfriend. 

WILLIAM 

Aw, my love, (realizes he’s still yelling and speaks at a regular volume). Sorry. Let’s just enjoy dinner and each other’s company. It’s our anniversary after all. 

ALEXANDRIA 

And look, here’s our food! 

The waiter approaches from the kitchen with two plates of spaghetti, a bread basket, and a martini precariously balanced on one arm and the ravioli, salad, and linguini on the other. He sets down the ravioli, salad, and linguini in front of WILLIAM and ALEXANDRIA before placing the martini, two plates of spaghetti, and the breadbasket at FRANCESCO’s table. 

ALEXANDRIA 

Wow! This looks absolutely amazing. Here, my little cheerio, have a bite of my ravioli. (She feeds WILLIAM with her own fork). Isn’t it just amazing? 

WILLIAM

Not as amazing as y-

FRANCESCO 

(Loudly) Well, finally my goddamn bread basket is here! No, Guiseppe, I’m not talkin’ to you, you fat bastard! (He laughs for a long time at his own joke). What? Oh, finally! I’ve been bored waiting! I’m kidding! Yeah, the table’s in the back, big guy. 

WILLIAM 

You know, maybe we should go somewhere else next year. The - um - atmosphere here isn’t exactly how I remember it being. 

ALEXANDRIA 

Oh, I think it’s nice. But, yeah, maybe a picnic or something- 

FRANCESCO 

Guiseppe! There you are! 

GUISEPPE, a 9-year-old boy in shorts and a t-shirt, enters and sits down with FRANCESCO. 

GUISEPPE 

Hi, Uncle Francesco. 

ALEXANDRIA 

(Shocked) What the - 

GUISEPPE 

You fat bastard! 

FRANCESCO laughs loudly and the lights fade to black. 

THE END.