Everyone Hates the Dentist

Scene 1

Inside the waiting room of a dentist’s office, a BABY sits alone in a high chair holding a pacifier.  The desk of LOUISA, the receptionist, is empty.  From stage left, GREGORY WILBERSON, a police officer enters.  

GREGORY WILBERSON

Hello? (He looks at the baby, confused, before walking to the reception desk and yelling to the back). Hello? My name’s Gregory Wilberson.  Age 47.  I am approximately 4 minutes early for my appointment.  

LOUISA (From offstage)

Just one moment, please!

GREGORY WILBERSON

  (Pause). I suppose I’ll just wait.  (He sits in a chair a few down from the baby). 

BABY

Oooogg. Ah. 

GREGORY WILBERSON looks at the baby for a second before grabbing a magazine from the table and flipping through it. 

BABY

Beeeee. Boooooo. Ahhh. 

GREGORY WILBERSON

(He looks again at the baby before standing and yelling towards the receptionist desk).  Hey! There’s a baby over here, by the way! You really shouldn’t leave a baby out all by themselves. I’m gonna have to call in a 271- child abandonment! Hah! Just kidding. (Silence). That wasn’t funny.  (He sits down and flips through his magazine again).

BABY

Ooo ha. cav cav.  Cav cav. 

GREGORY WILBERSON tries to ignore the cooing baby, who waves his pacifier around. 

BABY

Cav. Cav. Tee. Tee.

GREGORY WILBERSON

(Pause). Well, I’m not really sure how to respond to that, Baby.  You seem nice enough.  But I hate the dentist and I’m in a bit of a rush.   

At this, BABY grows silent.  LOUISA, a matronly woman in her 30’s, enters from stage right. 

LOUISA

So sorry about that Mr. Wilberson! The dentist will see you right away.  (She turns to BABY). Are you ready, sir? 

BABY suddenly stands up in his highchair.  He is wearing a very tiny white coat and puts his pacifier in the pocket. 

BABY

(In a shockingly deep voice). Follow me, Gregory.  Louisa, come gimme a pick-me-up out of this chair.  (He lifts his arms and LOUISA picks him up).  Oh, and Gregory, put away that Sports Illustrated.  Very immature of you. As I was saying earlier, your teeth are clearly showing signs of some severe cavity damage.  I’ll see you in Exam Room #1 and we’ll see what we can do. 

GREGORY is shocked.  He slowly puts down the magazine and follows BABY and LOUISA offstage right.  Before he is offstage completely, he speaks into his police radio. 

GREGORY WILBERSON

Yeah, I’ve got a suspicious situation over here at the dentist’s office.  It’s looking like another one of those dentist baby things.  I’ll keep you updated. Over.  

He follows them offstage right. 

Scene 2

A short amount of time has passed.  A SWAT team is now in the waiting room preparing to infiltrate the offices and exam rooms.   

CAPTAIN

(Quietly). Alright, everyone.  It’s time.  Now, we’ve faced this guy a few times, okay? But he keeps getting away.  We have to be really careful going in here - the dentist baby and his receptionist partner are dangerous and willing to risk it all for their practice.  And now they’ve got a hostage, one of our own: Deputy Officer Gregory Wilberson.  Here, everyone gather ‘round.  (CAPTAIN stands on a chair and points to a map.)  Now, this is where we are.  We think that bastard baby is holdin’ our guy in Exam Room 1- right there (He points directly off stage).  Now, we’re gonna try and draw ‘em out.  As they come, Gomez and Thompson, you go after the receptionist.  Neutralize her completely if you have to. She may be a bigger threat than we know.  Sanders and Brown, we’ll focus on that god awful baby dentist. That guy’s goin’ down for a long time, trust me.  And watch out for that pacifier.  The rest of you, cover the exits.  Okay? It’s go-time, team. 

They all move slowly and quietly into position.  CAPTAIN makes a lot of ridiculous hand motions to direct them. He nods when everyone is set. 

CAPTAIN (cont.d)

(Shouting towards the Exam Room).  Alright, you stupid baby. This is the police and we know you’re back there.  You’re surrounded! Crawl out with your hands and legs on the floor. Leave any milk bottles and pacifiers in the room.  We don’t want any funny business! And send out that freaking receptionist, too!

LOUISA enters from the Exam Room. Two SWAT members go to grab her. 

CAPTAIN

Louisa? Wait, Gomez, Thompson, back off!  That’s my wife.  Oh god, sweetie, what are you doing here?  This is a crime scene! Are you okay?  Where’s Lucas?  Is your mom watching him? 

 LOUISA freezes.  

CAPTAIN (cont.d)

Louisa, you have to get out of here.  Seriously, it’s dangerous.  Go pick up Lucas from your mother’s and go home!  There’s a crazy baby in this building!

LOUISA

Don’t you dare call him crazy.  

CAPTAIN

What? 

LOUISA

Our baby is a genius! 

CAPTAIN

Our what? (Pause). Oh god. 

The pacifier rolls onstage ominously.  BABY follows, slowly removing miniature gloves from his tiny hands. 

BABY

Hello, Papa.  

CAPTAIN

M-My Lucas? My Lookey-Pookey?  The evil dentist baby? I don’t… how? (Pause). This can’t be happening.  And, Louisa, you knew?  How could you? 

BABY

That’s right, papí, I’m the evil dentist baby! Since the minute I was born, I knew it was my destiny to practice dentistry.  But a baby could never get a license! Hah! So I had to use my mother’s help to kidnap dentists all around the city and steal their patients because apparently everyone hates going to the dentist.  Plus, I knew my own father would never suspect his own son - a literal baby - to be the crook!  But this freaking deputy officer Wilshmerson or whatever really screwed me over when he radio-ed for you.  I would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you med- (He trails off).

CAPTAIN

You what? 

BABY

I feel like usually around now there’s a group of meddling kids and a talking dog that I can blame, but I just don’t see them right now I guess.  Oh, well. 

CAPTAIN

Just… (He sighs). Just take ‘em both down to the station boys.  

The SWAT team escorts LOUISA and BABY offstage right, while a few others exit left to save GREGORY WILBERSON.  CAPTAIN sits down in the waiting room and puts his head in his hands.  Lights fade out.  

Scene 3 

Around a year has passed.  CAPTAIN, LOUISA, BABY, and GREGORY WILBERSON sit around a dining room table, eating dinner.  

CAPTAIN

We really appreciate you coming over, Gregory.  It’s been so nice getting to know you this year. After everything that happened, we just felt terrible.  

LOUISA

Yes.  We’re so grateful you, and the judge, found it in your hearts to forgive us. And you sweetheart. (She grabs CAPTAIN’s hand tightly and smiles). Oh, and Gregory you just have to have more potatoes! You’ve barely eaten.

GREGORY WILBERSON

Oh, no, really I’ve had plenty.  Thank you so much, again, for having me over.  I really appreciate it, but I should be going.  

LOUISA

Aw, Gregory! You have to at least stay for dessert! Isn’t that right, pumpkin? Tell Gregory he should stay for dessert.  

CAPTAIN

C’mon, Gregory.  Louisa has something really great for dessert.  It’s a real surprise. 

GREGORY WILBERSON

I really appreciate it, but I’m not really feeling great.   I should just go.  (He begins to stand and LOUISA pulls him back down). 

LOUISA

What’s the rush, Gregory?  Somewhere else you have to be? I thought we were having a nice dinner party.  

CAPTAIN

You know, Louisa, it looks like our good friend Gregory isn’t really enjoying himself! Maybe he’s having some sort of pain that’s holding him back from really having a good time with his friends.  

LOUISA

Like some sort of toothache? 

CAPTAIN

(Smiling) Exactly. 

GREGORY begins to panic and look towards the door. 

GREGORY WILBERSON

No, no, it’s nothing like that.  I really just should be going.  Thank you again - 

BABY

That’s enough! (He stands in his highchair) I agree with Father.  It appears our guest has an acute periradicular abscess - exactly what I feared when I tried to save him last year.  Surgery is the only option now.  Gregory, I’m not going to lie to you.  This is going to hurt.  But, as a dentist, it is my moral duty to conduct this surgery on you, with my two assistants.  Mother, go get… dessert.  (He grins and begins to laugh maniacally.  The lights overhead flash and thunder booms.  He begins to cough).  Wait. Damnit.

CAPTAIN quickly picks up BABY and burps him over his shoulder, before setting him back down. 

BABY

Do you know what time it is, Father? 

CAPTAIN

(Grinning) I think it’s tooth-hurty o’clock. 

CAPTAIN and BABY laugh and the lights flicker.  

GREGORY WILBERSON

Wait, what? 

They stop laughing and the lights return to normal.

 CAPTAIN

Tooth-hurty.  Like 2:30.  It’s a pun, Gregory.  

GREGORY WILBERSON

Oh.  Listen, all I want is to go home! I swear I won’t tell anyone about this.  And wait, Captain, I thought you were the one who caught them in the first place. Why are you helping them? 

CAPTAIN

Oh, Gregory.  I finally understand what my wife meant!  Our son is a genius! I will support him no matter what.  

LOUISA enters with a tray of cold steel medical tools.  

CAPTAIN (cont.d)

Family and dentistry above all else!  I’m sorry, Gregory, I don’t expect you to understand.  Enjoy dessert! 

Slowly, the entire family begins to cackle, surrounding GREGORY on all sides.  Lights fade out.

THE END.

A Note:

I started writing this scene with a randomly generated object (pacifier), location (waiting room of a dentist’s office), and occupation (police officer).  When I started writing I wasn’t really sure where I was going with it, but I knew that I wanted to have a few times where the reader’s expectations were completely turned on their heads, like when BABY talks for the first time, when CAPTAIN realizes what’s really going on, and when the family attacks GREGORY WILBERSON.  Also, for the record, despite the title of this piece, I really like going to the dentist.  My dentist is a middle-aged man, though, not a baby.