Antonio's Family Diner
INT. DINER
A couple, MATT and ELIZA, walk into a classic diner. They are young, in their 20’s. The diner seems to be empty; there are no patrons in the booths and no staff can be seen. However, 80’s disco music can be heard playing in the kitchen.
MATT
Hello?
They wait for a response.
MATT (cont’d)
Are you guys open?
Again, they are met with no response other than the music.
ELIZA
Let’s just go somewhere else.
Suddenly, a large man pokes his head out from the kitchen.
ANTONIO
Hey!
MATT
Oh, hey. Are you open?
ANTONIO
Yes! Of course, we’re open! Come on in! Please, please come in! (Mockingly) Are we open? Of course, we are! We’re always open! I’m Antonio, welcome!
He waddles out of the kitchen (he is very large) and grabs them both by their wrists. He drags them to a booth and sits them down.
ANTONIO (cont’d)
(Yelling to the back) Johnny, Isabel, Mikey, get out here! Maria, grab the coffee! Turn on the grill! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!
MATT
Oh, we really don’t actually need that much food. We probably won’t be here long.
ELIZA
Wait, Matt, why not?
MATT
I don’t know, I just meant that I’m not hungry.
ELIZA
Oh.
MATT
Are you?
ELIZA
No, no, it’s okay.
MATT
Eliza, c’mon. You can order some food if you want. (To ANTONIO) I think I’ll just have some coffee.
ANTONIO
Maria! We’ve got a happy couple out here waiting for coffee! Chop chop!
From the back, ISABEL, MIKEY, and JOHNNY ROSSI appear carrying coffee and menus. They are ANTONIO and MARIA’s kids, between ages 21 and 28. They place everything on the table and return to the kitchen.
MATT
Thank you.
He smiles politely at ANTONIO, who is still standing at their table.
MATT (cont’d)
I think this is good for now.
ANTONIO
Great!
He continues to stand over them. From the kitchen, a crash is heard.
ANTONIO (cont’d)
Mikey, if that was you I swear to God I’m gonna rip your throat out! (He turns back to MATT and ELIZA with a good-natured smile). Kids. What are you gonna do? You guys have any kids?
ELIZA
Not yet! But we hope so someday.
ELIZA smiles at MATT, who avoids her gaze.
ELIZA (cont’d)
Matty, baby, are you okay?
MATT
Yeah, I’m fine. I just - (he realizes that ANTONIO has not left their table). Hey, man, I think we still need a minute to look at the menus.
ANTONIO
And I’ll be right here whenever you’re ready, my friend!
MATT
Actually, could we have some privacy?
ANTONIO
(Grinning) Ah, that’s not how we do things in this family! (He pinches Matt’s cheeks). And when you’re dining at Antonio’s Family Diner, you’re just as much a part of this family as my deadbeat piece of shit son, Mikey!
From the kitchen, another crash is heard.
ANTONIO (cont’d)
Goddamnit, Mikey. (To ELIZA and MATT) You’ll have to excuse me for just one second.
ANTONIO waddles quickly back to the kitchen to reprimand his deadbeat piece of shit son Mikey.
MATT
Listen, Eliza, you know how much I love you right?
ELIZA
Aw, Matt, of course!
MATT
And I’ve never met anyone like you before. We have such a strong connection and I feel like I was meant to meet you.
ELIZA beams at MATT, while he looks incredibly nervous.
MATT
You know what? I’m gonna go to the bathroom really quick.
ELIZA
Ok!
MATT jumps up and walks quickly to the restroom. ANTONIO returns.
ANTONIO
Hey, little lady! Where’d your lucky boyfriend go?
ELIZA
Oh, he’s just in the bathroom.
ANTONIO
You know, my beautiful wife Maria and I have been married for 35 years so I know a thing or two about love when I see it! And I can tell that boy really loves you.
ELIZA
Do you really think so?
ANTONIO
Of course, I do! Has he proposed yet?
ELIZA
Oh, no no, we’re just dating.
ANTONIO
What!? I’m shocked, I’m truly shocked. I’m sure he’s gonna propose soon sweetheart.
ELIZA
Oh my gosh, that would just be amazing. A big white wedding, a beautiful dress, a sparkling diamond ring. (She pauses and lowers her voice, smiling). You know, he has been acting really nervous all day today.
ANTONIO
Are you kidding me?! My god, he’s gonna do it here, isn’t he? (ANTONIO begins to grin). Oh, this is gonna be just great for business. I’ll get the camera, I’ll have Maria start cooking up a nice dessert to bring out to you two, I’ll have Isabel go and buy some roses. This is excellent!
ELIZA
(Laughing) Okay, but shh, I don’t want him to know that I know! Oh my gosh, should I text my mom?
ANTONIO
Text everyone you know! I’m gonna call the whole neighborhood! This is a great day, congratulations sweetheart, tell everyone to come down to Antonio’s Family Diner on 36th, okay? Antonio’s. (MATT walks out of the bathroom). Okay, shh, here he is!
ANTONIO walks past MATT and gives him a wink and a pat on the back. MATT sits down.
MATT
What was that all about?
ELIZA
Oh, I don’t know! I guess they really just like us here!
MATT
I guess, yeah. This place is kind of weird though.
ELIZA
(Frowning) Well, why did you pick it then?
MATT
I’d never been here before so I didn’t know.
ELIZA
You mean you didn’t do any research beforehand?
MATT
Geez, Eliza, it’s just breakfast. I didn’t realize I had to write a report.
ELIZA laughs this off and winks at him.
ELIZA
You’re a better actor than I thought.
MATT
What are you talking about?
ELIZA
Oh, nothing. Let’s just order.
MATT
I’m not really hungry.
ELIZA
Why not?
MATT
Honestly, Eliza, I just wanted to talk to you.
ELIZA
(Smiling) Oh yeah, before you went to the bathroom you were talking about how special I am and how strong our connection is…
MATT
Yeah. Well, it’s just that despite that, recently I haven’t really been feeling like myself. You know?
ELIZA
(Nodding) Like maybe you need some sort of a change in our relationship?
Suddenly from the kitchen, there is another loud crash.
ANTONIO (from the back)
Mikey! For Christ’s sake!
MARIA
Antonio Alessandro Rossi you know that was your fault, do not blame Mikey for your mistakes!
ANTONIO
I’m sorry, Maria! I’m sorry, Mikey! It’s just a big day for us! We’ve got a happy couple out there.
MATT (to Eliza)
I’ve just been thinking recently that it might be good for us to -
Suddenly “Here Comes the Bride” becomes playing over the speakers.
ELIZA
Oh, Matt. You don’t have to say anything else.
MATT
What? Why are they playing thi-
ELIZA
Shhh, dear. (She puts her finger to his lips). I love you too.
From the kitchen, the entire ROSSI family emerges. MARIA is holding a large cake with a bride and groom topper, the kids are each holding a single red rose. ANTONIO is beaming with pride. Eliza’s parents enter from outside with a bottle of champagne. The song grows louder.
ELIZA (cont’d)
You can’t keep a secret from me, baby! I knew you were nervous all day preparing for this, so I thought I’d surprise you right back. Are you surprised?
MATT
(Shocked) More than you know. But Eliza, I’m worried you misunderstood what I wanted to talk to you about.
ELIZA
Oh my gosh, you want me to move in?
MATT
(He nervously glances at the large group assembled around them). Not exactly.
ELIZA
Oh my god, are you pregnant?
MATT
What? How would that even work?
ELIZA
(Laughing joyously) You’re right! I’m just so happy I’m delirious. Maybe I’m pregnant!
MATT
Are you?!
ANTONIO
Oh my god, congratulations you two! (To everyone) They’re going to be the best parents, I just know it.
ELIZA
No, no, not yet everyone. (She takes MATT’s hand). But soon we hope!
Everyone begins to congratulate them, the conversations overlap for a moment.
MATT
(Suddenly) Oh my god, no, Eliza, I wanted to break up with you!
The record scratches. Eliza’s parents drop the bottle of champagne and it smashes on the floor. Everyone is silent.
MATT (cont’d)
I’m sorry if I was misleading. But, I think we should break up.
There is a stunned silence once again.
ANTONIO (after a moment)
Mikey, you little punk, did you say something to him?
MARIA hits ANTONIO’s arm.
MATT
Everyone can go now. I’m sorry. I don’t really know what to do, I didn’t realize all these people would be here.
ELIZA begins to cry.
ELIZA
But I thought we were gonna get married! I thought you were gonna propose.
MATT
Why would I propose in this dingy old diner?
ANTONIO
(Furious) And just who the hell do you think you are calling Antonio’s Family Diner dingy?
MATT
I think I should just go.
ANTONIO
I think that would be best.
MATT
Eliza, do you want to come and talk in private somewhere?
ANTONIO
Do not speak to her. Just get the hell out of here.
MATT sighs but leaves.
ANTONIO (cont’d)
Listen, little lady, we’re gonna cheer you right up. I’ve got a nice strong Italian boy right here, his name’s Mikey. He’ll marry you.
ELIZA
Really?
ANTONIO
Sure! Why the hell not? Let’s not waste a good proposal.
MARIA smiles happily, as do Eliza’s parents.
ELIZA
(Wiping her tears) Okay!
Here Comes the Bride starts up again. MIKEY, Antonio’s deadbeat piece of shit son, offers his arm to ELIZA, who accepts it and they walk outside together. Her parents follow. ISABEL and JOHNNY return to the kitchen. ANTONIO puts his arm around MARIA.
ANTONIO
(Tearing up) I’m so proud of our deadbeat piece of shit son.
MARIA
Ah, young love.
ANTONIO
All in a days’ work at Antonio’s Family Diner!
THE END
