Hydrotherapy Isn't Always Easy

In a small office with no windows, GIANNA, a 30-year-old woman, sits in an armchair, looking uncomfortable. She is facing HERB, a 70-year-old man, who is lying face-up on a couch with his hand draped over his forehead dramatically. There is a small coffee table between them. HERB sighs loudly a few times, checking after each one to see if GIANNA has noticed.  

GIANNA

Are you okay?

HERB

(Sitting up so he is cross-legged on the couch). Oh yes, dear, I’m doing well.  And how are you?

GIANNA

Well, to be honest, I’m not doing great. Ever since my mo-

HERB laughs maniacally. GIANNA looks at him, hurt.

HERB

Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize you could hear me.

GIANNA

Why are you laughing at me?

HERB

Can’t a guy just laugh every now and then?

HERB grins at GIANNA, then stops when she doesn’t grin back.

GIANNA

Well, I’m really sad. I could use some help.

HERB

Oh. Sorry.

GIANNA

It’s just that I expect my therapist to be a little more understanding.

HERB says nothing and glances around the office as if looking for someone else.

HERB

(Suddenly) Oh gosh, do you mean me? Of course! (He laughs). Of course, of course, dear.

GIANNA

Also, I’m pretty sure I’m the one who’s supposed to sit on the couch, not you.

HERB

Well, you know Gianna, pretending to switch roles can sometimes be very effective when you’re attempting to solve a conflict with someone. It’s called empathy.

GIANNA

Are we having a conflict?

HERB

You certainly seem pretty worked up.

GIANNA

Well, I’m not. I’m sorry. I’ve just had a lot going on recently. My moth-

HERB

You know, I’m actually professionally trained in hydrotherapy.

GIANNA

What’s that?

There is a long and awkward silence for at least a minute. It feels like longer.

GIANNA (cont’d)

Herb?

HERB

What?

GIANNA

I asked what hydrotherapy was.

HERB

Oh, yes. (He pauses). Good.

GIANNA

Well, anyway, everything has just been a lot harder than I expected recently. Last June my mo-

HERB

Who’s June?

GIANNA

What?

HERB

Who is June? You said “last June.” It’s important when you share stories like this that you give me all the details. I want to have a full picture of who June is and why you “lasted” her.

GIANNA

I meant June the month. Like April, May, June.

HERB

Well, why didn’t you just say that? You’ve been quite unclear today, Gianna.

GIANNA

Sorry.

HERB

It’s okay, sweetheart. Now, please, keep going. You haven’t finished your story. 

GIANNA

Would it be okay if we switched seats? I kind of feel like I need to lie down.

HERB

I suppose.

HERB doesn’t move so GIANNA stands up and walks towards the couch. Suddenly, HERB stands up on the couch and attempts to go to the armchair without touching the floor. He steps on the coffee table and wobbles for a second before regaining his balance and stepping onto the armchair. He sits cross-legged again and GIANNA lays down on the couch.

HERB (cont’d)

Please, dear, proceed with your story.

GIANNA

Well, like I was saying, last June -

HERB

You know, I used to have a friend named January? Isn’t that funny? (He chuckles to himself).

January Jones.

GIANNA

You’re friends with January Jones? Like the actress?

HERB

An actress? No, no, January was a paperboy. The best in town I might add.

GIANNA

Oh. There’s also an actress named January Jones.

HERB

What a ridiculous name!

GIANNA

Um, yeah. I guess. Can I keep going with my story?

HERB

Yes, dear. I’ve been trying to get you to spit it out for the last 15 minutes!

GIANNA

Yeah. Well, basically my mother decided to leave my father and it’s been really hard. You know, at my age you never really expect that anymore. I mean, I’m almost 40, they’ve been married for 52 years, I - 

GIANNA sighs and then starts to cry softly.

GIANNA (cont’d)

I’m sorry. (She sniffles). I didn’t think this would make me that upset.

HERB

It’s okay, dear. An emotional response to an event like this is completely normal.  Change is scary. All you’ve ever known since the second you were born is your parent’s marriage!   (Tenderly).  I’m sure your parent’s relationship was very dear to your heart.  (GIANNA sadly nods and wipes away a tear). It’s very normal to idealize your parents.  I’m sure to you it seemed like true love!  A beautiful romance story, weekly date nights, the sweetest anniversaries.  I bet they celebrated Valentine’s Day for the whole month of February! (GIANNA starts to cry a little harder, remembering her childhood). Was this all a lie? Did they ever love each other? Does love even exist? What does it all mean? (GIANNA looks up in alarm and HERB begins to speak a little louder). Was your whole childhood a lie? Probably! Trusting my expertise, even their wedding was probably a sham. Maybe it was a green card marriage.  Most marriages are these days.  Who knows? They both probably had some affairs along the way. This is how it usually turns out. Don’t worry dear, you’re not alone.

GIANNA

(Crying) Why would you say all that awful stuff?

HERB

You know, dear, there used to be an old proverb: The truth of the fruit is the harpsichord’s Christmas goose. 

GIANNA sniffles and wipes her tears.

GIANNA

(Confused) I - I guess you’re right. 

HERB (cont’d)

Listen, I didn’t mean to make you sad. But sometimes honesty is the best policy.

GIANNA

But you don’t even know my family.

HERB

But I do know hydrotherapy!

GIANNA

What is hydrotherapy? And why do you keep bringing it up?

HERB

Hydrotherapy is the fear of water.

GIANNA

Isn’t that hydrophobia?

HERB

Gianna, please. Which one of us is an expert in hydrotherapy?

GIANNA

Yeah, I guess you’re probably right.

HERB

No, seriously.

GIANNA

What?

HERB

Which one of us is an expert in hydrotherapy?

GIANNA

I thought you were. 

HERB

Oh, no, dear. You’re getting me confused I believe. My good friend January is an expert in hydrotherapy.

GIANNA

But, I thought you said January was a paperboy.

HERB

And I thought you said you lasted June! So why is she still in my office?

GIANNA

What?

Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. JUNE, a 42-year-old woman who looks eerily similar to the popular actress January Jones, walks in.

JUNE

So sorry to interrupt, sir. You have that call with April Smith, the organizer of the Women’s March.

HERB

March? No, no, no, I asked to speak with Augustus Russo. He’s the organizer of the

Women’s Match! For tennis.

JUNE

I am so sorry, sir. I will fix that right away.

HERB

Thank you, June.

GIANNA

Wait, Augustus Russo is my dad! Why are you calling him? What’s going on? 

HERB

Maybe you should be asking, why is he your dad?

GIANNA

I’m confused.

JUNE

I have a confession to make.

HERB

Yes, June?

JUNE

Gianna, I know the reason your parents may or may not be getting divorced. In July, your father came to me and said he needed a place to live.

GIANNA

What? (GIANNA sits up). How does he even know you?

HERB

Gianna, perhaps you should allow me to explain. I’ll preface this all by saying that after this you may need serious help, like hydrotherapy, so you should really reach out to my friend, January. Basically, when you were growing up, February was a big month for your family because of Valentine’s Day. And your father always organized the Women’s Match but he wanted to combine it with a Women’s March, so he met April, and they fell in love. So your parents decided they may - or may not - need to get divorced. And then your dad asked my assistant, June, for a place to live in July. Then, your dad, Augustus, moved in. Now it’s September and you’re here. It’s pretty simple.

GIANNA

Oh. (There is a long pause). I guess when you lay it all out like that in order it does make sense.

GIANNA leans forward and puts her head in her hands. HERB goes and sits next to her on the

couch, putting his arm around her comfortingly. JUNE does the same, on the other side.

HERB

It’s okay, dear. Herb is here for you. Cry, cry, cry. Cry it out. It’s okay to be sad right now.

Hydrotherapy isn’t always easy.

THE END.