Why You Should Get a Rebound, According to Freud
Looks like the best way to get over him is to get under someone else. Freud said it, not me.
Who knew that we would be turning to Sigmund Freud for love advice in 2019, but it seems that the Austrian neurologist came up with a strong argument for rebound relationships. Well, his theories of Neurosis and Psychosis don’t directly propagate this advice but the connection is conspicuous. As students in a Liberal Arts college, we read authors like Freud by the dozen and sometimes we forget just how relevant their ideas can be. People have a lot to say about Freud; his sexual attributions might seem excessive. In particular, he attributes many normal behaviours to deeper sexual drives. But if we look for a common denominator in all life forms, sex is what we will find. Granted, some of his theories were outlandish (personal favourite: The Penis Complex) but the man has laid the foundation for psychoanalysis and the plurality of the human mind. As an LS student who has read way too many texts like this, I was pleasantly surprised to make this connection. Freud came up with such theories in an entirely different era and yet his work remains incredibly relevant to us.
Freud was revolutionary because he took something we thought of as singular (self, subjectivity, consciousness) and said that there was more to it. He says that we are born with a certain kind of primal energy, which is called Id. We also have something called the Ego and Superego within us. The Ego exists in order to control the Id. The Id can be thought of as the energy all life forms have, the difference lying in the fact that that animals have no way to control it but humans can control it with the help of the Ego. Freud further describes that the ego has a variety of ways of dealing with the Id. One way is to redirect it towards other activities. For example, if you have inappropriate feelings towards someone, instead of repressing them, you redirect it towards another appropriate activity. Ego can also deal with the Id by rejecting to let go of this energy and internalising the process. In other words, when you suddenly lose a loved one, you have two options: you can either accept the reality of the loss and consciously choose to move on or choose to ignore what’s happened in the real world and create your own version of reality.
How does any of this relate to dating? Say, your partner of 5 years suddenly breaks up with you. One option you have is to not give up on that relationship and ignore what’s happening in the real world. Another option is to displace that emotional energy by investing it someplace else, in other words, by getting a rebound. Freud said that we need to love in order to live, that we have an innate need of putting this energy out. When your psyche breaks with reality, the entire process of internalisation can be very detrimental. Freud called this psychosis, it happens when the reality that you are not allowing to enter into your mind returns in the form of a hallucination. While I understand that such complex psychological phenomena cannot simply be avoided by getting a new man, the more pressing issue at hand is the acceptance of loss.
Interestingly, that emotional investment does not have to be in the form of a new lover. Make a new friend. Get a pet. The important thing is to accept the ‘loss’ and make an effort to fill up that void that has been created in your life. Freud is trying to highlight the dangers of repression in these theories. Although the human psyche is extremely intricate and developed, it can haunt us in the face of trauma. For instance, say you realise in your teenage years that you are gay and you’re being raised in a rural, conservative town. In this situation, the ego has to do some reality testing. If you decide to come out, the consequences would be dire so you decide to suppress this part of your identity. You refuse to accept the reality of the situation. However, our minds are not vigilant enough to control these desires so these feelings might mutate a little. To take the same example forward, suppressing homosexuality can lead to feelings of homophobia. Freud called this process ‘reaction formation’ and it is sort of a defense mechanism wherein the subject acts in the opposite manner to his own perception social unacceptable thoughts and emotions. In other words, it is best to not internalise your struggles because our minds are not strong enough to suppress them. They will return in the form of more aggressive manifestations.
Freud’s theory shows us that even though our mind is more complex and layered than we believe, it is also vulnerable at the same time. Theories like these prove how our personalities are so drastically influenced by how we deal with thoughts internally. Freud talks about how repression is not the problem itself, but the fact that these repressed emotions always find a way to resurface.
In pop culture, the idea of getting a rebound is often demonised. ‘Take some time to heal, sweetie’ or ‘You need to be single and work on yourself before getting into another relationship’. I get that it is wrong to use someone else for your own emotional healing but I want to redefine what it means to get rebound. It is during times like these that you require the most human presence and affection so why would you opt to ‘heal’ in isolation? Much like any new idea, NYU students were having a hard time wrapping their head around this approach. CAS Sophomore, Jai Dhawan said, ‘The problem with this approach is that when you experience something bad, you have to heal the pain that has been caused. You have to learn to heal it yourself. I feel like this approach propagates a kind of dependency that will bring you back to square one. I see it more like a temporary relief instead of addressing the bigger issue.’
Perhaps, this article was less about handing out dating advice and more about raising important mental health concerns. What I take from this is the importance of taking an active role in your mental well-being. It is true that everyone experiences trauma and heals differently, but just being aware of the interaction between ego and id is a step in the right direction. The goal is not to replace your lover but to displace that emotional energy wisely.
